thoughts on christmas 2010

Christmas was a bit…non-eventful this year. We enjoyed spending time together as a family of four and then with my parents and my sister and her family. We opened stockings and presents. We gave Lily extra hugs – again so thankful she is with us and growing and a sweet delight to be around. We delighted in watching Jude’s face. At three and a half years old, he is so full of energy, so dramatic, so full of expression, so eager to engage, and so full of hugs and snuggling. It was definitely the most fun to watch Jude. He ‘gets’ Christmas now and there is nothing better than to experience a little magic at Christmas through the eyes of a 3 year old.

I am still struggling to accept number three. Really God? Are we really going to have three children? To many of you out there, three is fin e and planned for and expected. But for me, two was always my number. There would be one child for each parent, more money to go on vacation with, four to a booth at the restaurant, a family car for four, and last but certainly not least - no more being pregnant (something, many of you know I absolutely hate). Two was good and enough - Especially enough after Lily (we still can’t get her to gain much weight – she is tiny and at 13 lbs. 12 oz. - probably close to the healthiest tiniest 18 month old on the planet – no lie). I never seriously considered three. Three meant…my children would outnumber the able bodied parents, we’d have to buy a new suv (not a mini-van mind you – I just can’t bring myself to do it), more of being pregnant and nauseous and being fat and uncomfortable (oh how I miss those wonderfully skinny jeans I could wear after Lily), more diapers and pumping and bottles, more sleepless nights, more children to keep from pummeling each other , another child to worry about, more chaos I cannot control. Whew. See how three just throws everything off course? Really God? Are we really going to have three?

And after I ponder all of these things, I am still left with the fear that what happened with Lily, could happen all over again. And the other concerns fade,…and I really just beg God to keep this child healthy and growing for a very very long time inside me. I am currently 16 weeks pregnant. The closer I get to 28, the more anxious I get. In some ways, I can’t wait for week 28, because if I can make it that far, I’ll be so preciously thankful for each week after…and I think I’ll be able to get close to 40.

And then I return to thinking about Christmas and hoping beyond hope that next year I will have had a ‘huge’ full term baby and that we are then a complete (ye s, absolutely no more) family of 5 (with 3 children all born in July – really God…I mean come on…all three children born in July?). I look forward to both Jude and Lily tearing into presents and taking pictures of them holding the new little baby. And then…there will probably be nothing better than to experience Christmas (magic and lights and carols and stockings and smiles) through the eyes of a 4 year old and a 2 year old and a 6 month old.